to the man i love(d)

Love, you never really know how I felt. I never really had the courage to talk to you about it. It was something I felt really terrified of; but with this, let me tell you.

I never really knew how everything started. For all I remember, I was simply helping a friend be closer to the guy she likes. I did not intend to fall but I did. If only you knew how many sleepless nights I have had because of that. It felt terrible, it felt as if I betrayed a friend. It felt as if I was a snake.

I tried so hard to brush it off, but the harder I try the deeper the feelings go. I hid it, kept it as a secret of my own. But it’s crazy how things work. My friend found out about it and hooza almost everyone knows, well, everyone except for you.

You were toxic. You showed meaningless gestures of affection and just like any other girl it felt like the heaven’s showering me with love. Like the day when you went out of your way to say sorry and hugged me in front of all those people even if it wasn’t really your fault. The day when you called me ‘baby’ in front of my friends. The night when you asked me to hang-out with you and your friends and ended up just talking to me for the entire night. And that same night when someone asked if we were together, you answered ‘YES’. I know it as a joke but it was one of my best nights.

But there were the days when you showed no empathy at all. That night when it rained really hard and there was little possibility that I’ll be able to go home anytime early nor safe, you asked me where you can drop me off but still left. That night when we had dinner with our friends and I knew no other way home other than by train but the operation’s already over for the day. And you told me to just find another way and left. I felt not just scared but crushed.

You were frustrating and I do not know why I even liked you but I did. Remember that day when you decided to just not talk to me for 4 months. No day that I did not shed a tear, I was trying to help you but you did not even bother to listen. You’re too cold. I wonder if you even bothered reading those text messages I sent you.  Oh! and remember the first day we saw each other again, the first time you saw my hair so short, yes, I wanted to move-on but I simply can’t.

Three long years of you made me realize that there is much more to life than just that. That I can be happy without the presence of you. Do not get me wrong, you made me feel loved but you made me feel worse more than loved. Still I loved you and still I do not know why, even if you don’t feel the same way too.

 Don’t worry I’m still trying my best.

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